That was Then....This is Now...

There was a time when I didnt have a car, but I felt like I enjoyed the best drives

There was a time when I didnt have a bed, but, had the best sleep at night

There was a time when I didnt have a job, but, had a great pay day

There was a time when I didnt have brands, but felt like a rockstar

There was a time when people didnt know me, but, I had all the fame

There was a time I didnt have friends, but, had the best friendships


Now I have rides, but no destination to go to....

Now I have a comfortable bed, but, no peace at night

Now I have great pay days, but, nothing to buy..

Now I have the clothes, but, no one to notice

Now people call for me, but, I choose not to listen

Now I have companions, but, I still look for company


........There was a time when I knew what I had...now I know what I dont......

My Birthday - IST

So.....Happy Birthday to me I guess, never thought I'd wish myself, but, life is full of surprises. Here I am blogging about my birthday....LAme? Perhaps.....But who cares? we all know what world we live in..

Two of my closest friends from India called me today in spite of the fact that I havent called them in years.....What does this prove? I am that special? haha, Well, probably not...It just justifies why they are what they are to me...So thats one part of my day that made me happy. Rest was pretty normal, sucked.....

I am not a big birthday fan, but, I guess if some of my friends wanna celebrate it with me, why not right? So lets see what we end up doing over the weekend!

Cheers
D

Who Are You

Do you know who you are? Do you know what you want to be? No I dont mean if you want to be a doctor or an engineer. That hardly makes us who we are. If somebody was to ask you, Who are you as a person? How easily would you be able to answer that? A lot of places ask you to describe yourself. People jump on to fancy descriptions, or rather perceptions of who they think they are. Not that I think thats wrong, especially when I cant do it.

It might surprise some of you who know me. Dushyant, the man with so much to speak cant describe himself? No, I can talk about myself and who I am, only if I really knew the answer. But the truth is, I dont. I am so lost. I thought I had an idea about who I was, who I wanted to be. But today, I cant answer any of those questions. Most people tend to discover themselves and learn about themselves with time. I thought I would be no exception. But I am. I have no idea who I have become. Sure, if someone asked me the questions "Tell me something about myself", I would probably ramble something, may be blurt out something impressive. I would be lying.

Why is this though? Is it because I dont care anymore? Is it because that question is of no relevance to me? Or is it because most people around me care about who I am anymore? I just realized my post has more questions than answers. So why not keep the trend?

Do you know who you are?

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My Four Companions

Time is with me, but I still dont have it...
Time is fluid, I cant stop it...
Time is complex, I cant understand it...
Time is fast, I cant keep up with it..
Time is unstoppable, why do I try to hold it?


Success is a need, I worked for it
Success if a gift, I am bestowed with it
Success is a Story, I am a part of it
Success is a journey, I am traveling it
Success is not permanent, I am already missing it..


Family is essential, I cant live without it..
Family is an inspiration, I always have it..
Family is small, Yet I find the world in it..
Family is my life, I breath it...
Family is mine..So why cant I find it?


Happiness is upon me, I can predict...
Happiness is on me, I can weigh it..
Happiness is in front of me, I can see it...
Happiness is close to me, I can touch it...
Happiness is within me, I cant feel it..

Life..Its Just Passing By

Its passing away every day, every moment,
With no signs of stopping or holding back...
I fear its speed, for, I wont be able to enjoy its existence
I want to pause and look at it, hoping to see its beauty
But, don't know if I am looking for something that isnt there
I can control its movement sometimes, I feel mighty
While it drags me along on occasions, leaving me helpless and weak
I almost understand it too, well, barely
Most of my time passes by trying to crack its mystery
I tend to look at it and find whats missing,
May be thats the secret, I need to look at what it has instead
At some angles, it seems to perfect, flawless..
But that tends to change with my vision.
So yes, I cant change its form, but, I can change my perception
Some people are natural at it, they are the happy ones
Some just cant do it at all, tey are the miserable ones...
Others are struck in between, I know I am one of them
I have reminded myself a lot about it, as I wrote this,
And, I know I don't have to worry about forgetting it again,
For, it will remind me again, my companion.... MY LIFE..

Mind...Wish It weren't mine

I wish I could control it, I wish I could ignore it…
..As it turns out, I am the one that’s being directed by it……

It’s called my own mind; it’s in my body…
Then why is that I still feel like a Nobody

They say I think too much, they say I worry too much,
I tell them it’s my mind, and, I am stuck in its clutch…

It makes me spread happiness; it makes me do good deeds….
Its also makes me regret them, and rot me like weeds…

It always does good things to people I love…
Sometimes I don’t want that, and I wish it was as free as a dove...


Its feels unappreciated…it feels deceived….It feels alone….
….Its because ungratefulness is what the entire world has ever shown….

Its like other minds, it just wants to be happy….
..But it sees’ a world through my eyes, and that world is just shabby…

I wish I could take it out….and the pain would subside…
..But I know it won’t happen…it will always stay by my side…

I don’t blame the world around me any more….
It’s my minds fault.. Because it hasn’t knocked on selfishness’s door…

I plead to it today to make me happy, to bring me smiles….
Chances of this world doing it are away a million miles…..

Khoj (Hindi)

................Khoj......

..........................

Aaj waqt mera nahi, Waqt mere saath nahi
Kabhi sochta hoon, kyon yeh waqt kabhi rukta nahi

Pichle ki kyon parva mujhe, khushi ka na ehsaas mujhe
Meri hasi ke parde ke peeche kya chhupa, yeh pata nahi tujhe

Duniya pe nahi bharosa, Bilkul nahi vishwaas
Badlaav shaayad laa paaun, tab tak yehi mera libaaz

Zindagi ko baareki se dekhu, har chehra pehchaanu
Acchaaiyon ko andekha kar, sab khaamiyan main dhoondu

Kareeb hain jo mere, unki khushi main chaahu
Agar maange who taare, toh chaand bhi mein lekar aaun

Chand ko jab who dekhe, unhe dikhe uska daag
Ab mere dil mein jhaank kar dekho, jale gusse ki aag

Chaahun nahi shauharat, Chaahun nahi paisa
Maangu main dil ka sukoon, Kab aayega din aisa

Jo lage mujhe pyaara, Jag ne use chheena
Kabhi uthe yeh sawaal, kya ise kehte hai jeena

Kyon lage kandhon par duniya ka bojh, hamesha ho tanaav
Ek din ke liye hi sahi, Kyon na kam hota iska prabhaav

Aaj dua karta hoon khuda se, rakhon mujh par aapka haanth
Ladkhadaaye jab kadam, sahaare ke liye mile aapka haanth

....I dont ...know

I feel lonely.....I feel sad....
...At time I want to shed tears, but, I keep telling myself it aint that bad....

I want to be happy..... and laugh with all...
....keep lying to myself that my happiness lies in happiness of all......

I am selfless......and I love it......
...but at times....the human inside of me tells me, enough of it...

I want to believe I am content.....and nothing can break me.....
...Until life comes to me........and shakes me.......

I know I am not a bad person.....For the most part..
....Then why am I made to feel I am.....Because those words hit my hears like a dart...

I rely on god to give me strength...to help me through....
...At times I feel.....Shouldn't the ones I care about come through?

I miss my parents everyday.....They mean the world to me...
...I am weak without them....is that why people take advantage of me?

I believe in destiny.....Time balances it all.....
Some moments are happy......isn't it time I get my share?? Thats all.... :(

Happiness vs Satisfaction

How often are these two words mixed with each other? If one is satisfied, one is assumed to be happy right? Or not? Well, I don’t know. I have been wondering about this for, well, the last 10 minutes or so. :) Doesn’t seem like a long time to justify this blog perhaps? But, I like to believe my mind works fast.

I am so thankful to god for giving me everything I have. I have absolutely no complaints about what I have or what I dont. I believe I have been blessed with a very good life. I am not referring to materialistic aspects here. If that was the case, I really should be very happy. I'll admit, I was always made to believe that money is the answer to all worries. Over the past few years, I realized that is so not true. Yes, Its important, but, is by no means the source to happiness. It might be a source to satisfaction though. Notice how I am trying to differentiate "satisfaction" with "happiness".

I am considered a very happy person by my friends. I have often heard this comment, "Wow, how do you stay so happy all the time?" At such times, I wonder if my laugh, my jokes, lack of whining leads them to that conclusion. Well, on one hand, it might; And I'd agree. But could it also be because I am able to hide what I feel so well? If latter is the case, is that right? I dont know if it is. I do try to make people around me happy. I gives me a great sense of achievement. It might seem a little absurd to some people who read this, but, to me, its really important. Nothing is more fulfilling than to make someone feel better. "Dushyant, Talking to you made me forget my worries, Thanks so much". This statement alone can make my day. I am a sponge (good listener). I an absorb people's worries and pain with no problem at all. I enjoy it. I am beginning to think if I have a threshold though? Will there be a time when I questioning my ways and beliefs? Will there be a time when I give my expectations from people more importance? The answer is , I dont know. But, I do know that I am human and that makes me vulnerable. To be very honest, what I really want is to be able to do things for people without any expectations. That’s very difficult to practice, but, I would love to be able to do that. My parents have taught me that, and I know for a fact they wouldn’t preach anything that isn’t worth it.

Lastly, I wonder if someone even thinks like me? Am i reading into my thoughts a little too much? Do I have too much free time on my hands? ( I highly doubt that) Does loneliness be the cause of this over analysis? If I knew, I wouldn’t write this.

I do know one thing, I am optimistic, contrary to what my parents think. :) Deep inside, I always hope for the best and somehow keep expecting things to be better. Thanks to god, they do eventually. In the end, it will only be fair to acknowledge what god has blessed me with. So I can simply say, Thank You God. Wherever you are...

Alright, my mind feels emptier now. Lets hope it remains that way until I log off from facebook at least. I know I have talked about random things here. I didnt expect to deviate much, but, my mind works in crazy ways.

I am not tagging anyone to this note because this is just a venting phase for me. I have not aimed this at anyone. The thoughts expressed are totally random. Its a result of insomnia.
I am not even sure how many people read it. It doesn’t matter much though. But, is someone survives after reading this, I welcome comments.


PS:1 May be its the schoolwork making me weird. I'll find out in 3 weeks. Lets see if I can define "satisfaction" and "happiness" then. :)

PS2: Excuse my typos or grammatical errors.

Peace